Heaviness in my heart

I can't get my heart to stop feeling so heavy. Aiden was so desperate for his pain to end. He did not want to die, but he was willing to die for another high. How messed up this seems. Not only was Aiden's brain altered because of his addiction to several substances, but he was also only 17. It is now commonly known that the brain is not fully developed until the mid-20's. Imagining how much he struggled in the days leading to his death causes deep pain in my momma's heart. Things were spiraling out of control, and he believed that the devil was winning. He felt devoured by evil. Reflecting back on his life, I realize that he was in pain for so much of it. As a young child, people's faces unsettled him. He did not know what to do with this feeling, and it often got him into trouble. He was sensory seeking at times when he needed to be calm. He was anxious which sometimes looked like bad behavior. After an incident that he had in middle school, he developed debilitating OCD. Aiden felt jealous of people who didn't have to suffer in this way. He wanted nothing more than to live life without feeling intense anxiety. I believe that there is why he went down such a dark path. A path that made him feel good at first and relieved the anxiety, but later lead to unrelenting pain. He wanted out of the misery, but he didn't know how to get there. I have passing thoughts that enable me to be relieved that he is no longer suffering. I wish that feeling would stay, but it gets messy when I think about how far he had come, how much he had overcome, and how bright his future looked. He was so intelligent and so studious. He had big dreams. It is difficult to reconcile feeling relieved that he is no longer in pain because I selfishly wish that he was able to do that on earth. Oh, how I wish I could feel relief permanent from the heaviness in my heart.

You can learn about the science of addiction here: https://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/addiction/